Part 6: A Purple Fiddlewhacker

VI - A Purple Fiddlewhacker



And welcome back! Last time was as far as this LP got the first time I did it. So this is all new territory!

east



Book Worm

Do you know what the sound of my personal Hell is? It's the above track. It has never left my head since I first played this almost 30 years ago. And it's on a fucking neverending loop most of the time. To say that I dislike it would be putting my feelings toward the music very mildly.

bees
Little bees buzz around the books as though the pages were laden with the sweetest pollen. Maybe they're spelling bees!
bees
The bees, although spelling, can sting and cause swelling!

The bees are just there for a visual gag. We can ignore them and instead look at the spider's web.



Black Widow

I love how sleazy this track is.

Wow! Hiya, Gorgeous. What a luscious-looking hunk of flesh you are!
Uh... thank you. I guess. Who are you?
How charming of you to pretend not to know! I'm Black Widow, of course, the femme fatale of all femme fatales. Know what I mean <wink wink>? You know, I was just thinking it was time I found my fiftieth... er... another husband. It would be quite a horror... I mean an honor to have me as a bride. Just look at my beautiful weaving! It's so light, so delicate, you'll never want to leave my little nest.
Hmm. It is a lovely web, but my heart is elsewhere, I'm afraid.
DRAT! <ahem> I mean, the loss is yours. I'm sure you'll change your mind once you consider the advantages.

:hmmno: I don't think Alex would have much of a future if he wound up with this black widow. But for the sake of showing it off, there's several ways we can die here. They all involve being bitten, but she has dialogue for each of them. But let's just...





Alexander reaches out to touch the black widow.
That's right! GO with your feelings! GET closer to me!
Alexander feels the tiny pin prick of the spider's bite and the slow burning of her poison.



Death by Widow

Hmmm... Thanks for the memories...

The widow has the same voice actress as Valanice just to make this even more fucked up.





While we're here, here's a non-ordered list of things the Widow can say to you if you die to her in various ways. They're not worth showing off, but I have the script so...

Mm-hmm... Have you changed your mind? My offer of dead -- *ahem* wedlock is still open.
Ahhh... How sweet the matrimony. I knew you'd change your mind.
Ahhh... A widow AGAIN.
After my goods, are you? What a greedy little man you are.
Ha ha ha ha ha! That's what you get for preferring that old scrap of paper to me.

Speaking of the paper...



She's guarding it, so we can't just reach out to take it without dying, as the above lines say. But what if we...

It is a very nice web. I think I'd like to take some for myself...

loose thread

Don't touch that thread!



With her out of the way...

paper
Alexander snatches the scrap of parchment, curious to see what's written on it.



Of course it says that. I actually have a theory that this is obliquely the answer to a puzzle we get much, much, much later in the game, but there's no way to prove it. Regardless, it's the game's central theme if it hasn't beaten you over the head enough by now.

The wind blows the scrap of paper from Alexander's hand. But, he remembers what it said well enough



Now let's meet the Book Worm whose theme I loathe so.

random books



What do you think YOU'RE doing?
I'm sorry. I didn't realize these books had an owner. I'm in need of a rare book.
Hmph! No owner! ALL books have owners, my good man. And THIS book owner--Bookworm to you--wouldn't part with one of his books for anything!
Isn't there something I can do for you to pay for the book?
Hmm. Let's see. Do you have an itinerant clause?
No. No clauses at all, I'm afraid.



As an exception, you always should!



AAoooUU!

Don't mind Oxymoron and Diphthong. They're fairly limited grammatical principles, you know.
Diphthong? What?
You know, the sound of two vowels being sounded together. Keep up with the conversation, boy.
UuuuaAAAaa!
Quiet, you! Hmm, let's see. A marsh pig that does taxes?
Uh, no. I'm afraid not.
A dangling participle?
I'm fresh out.
*irritated sigh* A purple fiddlewacker?
No... I don't think so. Sorry. Also I don't think that's a real thing.
Shows what you know. An idiosyncrasy, perhaps?
'Fraid not.
Hah! Then what good are you?!



And then bookworm disappears back into the book. Let's try messing with him some more.

Do you have anything interesting yet?
A regular abnormality?
Weeeoouu?
Uh...let me see what I have.



And now we have the opportunity to show him stuff. We only have one thing he might be interested in, so...



I have a sentence. Would that do?
An incomplete one, I suppose <yawn>?
It's not incomplete. It's a valid sentence that expresses a complete thought and is perfectly understandable by everyone.
Let me see that. This is an incomplete sentence. Who taught you to read? They did an abysmal job. Sentences must never be ended with prepositions!
That's only because of an over-reliance on Latin linguistic rules!
Well, I am certainly not going to accept such an appalling sentence. The barbarous lands YOU come from may consider that a complete thought, but we here on the Isle of Wonder were raised better than that. "Where are you going" is an incomplete thought, end of discussion! Incomplete sentences are a dime a dozen. Why you can literally find them just FLOATING about! Complete sentences, now THERE'S something that's hard to come by these days!
I see. Sorry. *under his breath* Prick.

There's nothing more to be done here, and the music on this screen is starting to give me a headache because of the very high pitched whining noise in the background.

west, north



North of the beach is this swamp. There's not much we can do here just yet.

tree
A large tree stretches knotted limbs out over the swamp. Part of the tree's trunk is shaped like the face of a dog. Why, it must be a dogwood tree!

:facepalm: But before we move on...

bottle
Alexander takes a bottle of milk from the milkweed bush.

The puns just don't stop coming in this one.

The glass bottle is full of milk. How strange for a plant to produce not only milk, but a container to go with it!
The milk bottle is still cool from the damp air of the swamp where Alexander collected it.



And the dogwood barks at us. With the bottle of milk, there's nothing else we can do here anyway.

west



The Garden

I hope you like puns, because this is the Garden of Puns. It also kinda sounds like a nursery, but given some of those plants look like babies...

baby
Unless Alexander is mistaken, those plants must be...baby's tears!
Hello! Aren't you a bunch of fine-looking young plants?
Baby: GOO GOO, GAA GAA!
Apparently, the baby's tears haven't learned to talk yet.

tomatoes
Vines of sweet, ripening tomatoes climb up little wooden posts.
Good day, Tomato Vines.
Tomato: GOOD MORNING!

That's pretty good. The sweet tomatoes have sweet personalities.



Over to the right are snapdragons, but they just quietly bark at Alexander if he gets too close.

The wallflowers look terribly shy.

Puns. Everywhere.

black spot
There appears to be a hole in the garden wall.



A bunch of rolling hills with alternating orange and blue colors? Oh boy, I didn't realize Central Virginia was on the Isle of Wonder.

Wow! It really IS a hole-in-the-wall.



And then looking at the hole makes the wallflowers get shy and the snapdragons go aggro. So Alex backs off. On the back wall are some grapes and some clinging vine.

Why are you so sour, if you don't mind my asking?
Grapes: Well! We'll tell you... How would you like to have the possibility of being made into wine hanging over your head? And then there's our neighbors, the clinging vines? All they do all day is whine about the ivy league social climbers that never call! It's really just no fun at all!
Hmmm, that's too bad. I hope things start looking up.
Grapes: Yeah? <Sniff> Thanks a lot!

They pointedly ignore Alexander after this. Guess those sour grapes are experiencing their namesake.

What curious clinging vines are on this wall!
Vines: (VERY WHINY) WE know we're fascinating! <whine> But no one ever VIsits us! WE'RE LOnely!
That's too bad.
Vines: WE just want to be LIKed! WE just want to be HUGged! WE've been clinging to this WAll! But he's gotten boring
I see. Perhaps you should find a new place.
Vines: Don't be STUpid! We're clinging vines! We're NOT particularly MObile!
No, I don't suppose so. Well, good luck.
Vines: We don't FEel like talking! We just want a HUG!

The vines have a very strong Brooklyn accent. Very nasal.



Alexander decides to examine the vines on the wall more closely.

Vines: <whine> Come CLOSER! We lIKe you!
Uh...I appreciate <cough> your enthusiasm <choke>, but I'm really not interested...<gag>!
Vines: Don't LEAve us! We LIke you!





I mean, it IS a King's Quest game. Even as friendly as it is, there's some things you just can't escape.



The vines are just a trap, and by extension so are the grapes. Unless you're really lucky, clicking on the grapes will make Alex walk right past the vines who go to choke him to death with clinginess.



Is that lettuce growing in the garden? It looks a little chilled. Why, it must be iceberg lettuce!

We can actually use a great many things in the garden, but most of them aren't very useful at the moment. So let's just poke the gate in the back.





Knights of Chessboard Land

Alexander is standing at the edge of a strange land with rolling checkered hills. Two chessboard knights stand before the marble entrance, guarding a path which wanders, like a ribbon, into the velvety hills.

When we get close...



Excuse me, what land lies beyond?
What land? Chessboard Land, ye knave!
I see. And is Chessboard Land part of the Land of the Green Isles?
It is the home of the red and white queens--rulers of the Isle of Wonder, fairest of the islands that owe loyalty to the king of the Land of the Green Isles! But perhaps not for long!
What do you mean?
What is the purpose of unity with the great king and queen dead? The princess is worth serving, but the feud with the other isles is strong.



Two Queens





The queens ignore Alexander and start talking.

I must insist, Your Highness. I SHALL send the lump of coal to the vizier and the princess as a present for their wedding, and that's the end of it!
And, I suppose, you'll leave ME with only this stupid spoiled egg to send, Your Highness? I want to impress the new king and queen of the realm as much as YOU do! As queen of this island, I have every right to that lump of coal!
Who ISN'T queen of this isle? The lump of coal is in my possession, therefore I shall do as I please with it. Besides, there's nothing wrong with that spoiled egg.
The egg, though delightfully spoiled, is not nearly so valuable as the lump of coal, and you know it. Your Highness always got to carry the singing stone. It's not fair that you get the coal too!
That doesn't count! The singing stone was stolen by that horrid Beast! I should get to keep the coal just BECAUSE my stone was stolen!
It wasn't YOUR stone, it belonged to the Isle of Wonder treasury! Your Highness always thinks that everything is HERS.



Excuse me, my good man, but could you settle an argument for us?
Which of us should get to carry the coal and which the egg? Remember, WHITE is the color of deserving truth and virtue.
Be quiet, Your Highness, and let him make up his OWN mind. I, for one, shall be more proper and not even mention the fact that RED is the color of love.
I'm sorry, Your Majesties. I am partial to both red AND white, but I'm afraid that I don't know how to solve your problem. One of you will just have to be gracious and allow the other the lump of coal.
What a ridiculously stupid idea.
Quite ludicrous.
Well, HE was a lot of help, wasn't he?
Yes. Obviously a man of high intelligence.
I'm not the one bickering over coal and a rotten egg.
How DARE you! I'm leaving.
Well I'M leaving too!



The red queen's scarf falls off and the knights don't make an effort to stop her.

It's mine now by the universal law of "it's not nailed down."



The lump of coal goes much better with my gown anyway. Black and red are imperial colors.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! RED does not go with anything, being much too self-conscious. WHITE is the perfect accompaniment to ANY color.



Do those two always fight like that?
Constantly.
I don't suppose there's a chance you'll let me pass into your fair land?
Heavens, no! No humans allowed in Chessboard Land! Never have been. Never will be.
You know what? Fair. I'm taking the scarf by the way.
It's not in chessboard land, so I don't care what you do with it. The Red Queen will never even notice it's missing.
Alexander picks up the red queen's scarf.

You know what? That's quite enough for now.

NEXT TIME: A gramatical principle that speaks like yoda

List of Points

+1 - Destroyed the web
+1 - The game's central theme or something
+1 - Milkweed bottle
+2 - Stealing from the queen

Total Points: 52/231

Register of Deaths

Married to a widow
Clingy vines